A girl with too many thoughts...

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Depression & Me

In my experience, feeling down is something that is very common with mental health disorders. When my OCD was really severe, I was constantly low. It was like I had become a completely different person, my personality was nothing like it used to be.

I went from being a very family-orientated person, who would sit downstairs every night around the dinner table and talk with my parents, to somebody who didn't want to speak to anybody at all. I would shut myself up in my room every day, all day, barely even getting out of bed (to me, there was no point in getting up and doing anything).

I was angry all of the time, cried often and very easily, snapped at everybody and didn't bother to stay in contact with friends. I really didn't care about anything - things I used to enjoy doing became boring and I made no effort to maintain my appearance. I feel awful when I look back at how I acted, especially towards those close to me like my Mum, but I have to remind myself that i really wasn't myself.

Something that really bothered me during this time, is that I felt like my low mood wasn't being taken seriously by my therapist. He referred to it as 'situational depression' or 'co-morbid' (basically that the low mood was just a result of the OCD, rather than a problem in itself). This frustrated me because to me, it felt like more than that, and I thought he was implying that it wasn't as serious because it was just 'a result of the OCD, that would eventually lift'. 

When I look back now, I can understand that it didn't mean my low mood was any less severe, but just that it wasn't possible to treat it separately because all of my mental health disorders were inter-linked. There was no point in isolating one aspect and trying to treat that alone, without addressing the problem as a whole. 

For the most part, my mood has improved a great deal. I still get down quite often, especially during stressful times or sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Whenever I'm having a week or two where I am feeling particularly happy or motivated, I am always waiting for the eventual crash where I will end up feeling just as low as before. I think now though, it's better because I know it will be followed by a good week again (hopefully).

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