A girl with too many thoughts...

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Feeling Hopeless

Lately I've been feeling what I can only describe as hopeless. It's as if I just don't see the point in doing things anymore. One minute I'm really excited about starting University and all of the opportunities that it may hold. The next, I feel like there is just no purpose to it - like I'm not going to get anywhere in life anyway, so what's the point in wasting the money?

I plan on doing things that I really like the thought of doing, but when it comes to it actually doing it I just think to myself 'I can't really be bothered, what's the point?' and then don't bother with anything. However, then I just find myself sitting around feeling bored and miserable because I'm not progressing in my life. So it's like a never-ending and rather exhausting cycle of wanting to do things but then not really having the motivation, nor seeing any real point.

I really need to get out of this mind-set because I know there are things that I'm passionate about and would like to achieve in my life, no matter how much it doesn't feel like it at times. Going to University has been something I've been looking forward to for a good few months now, and the idea of working within mental-health services and helping people with similar conditions to me is really exciting. But my mind always seems to circle back to this negative thinking. This 'what's the point in doing anything because I'm never going to be happy in life' type of thinking.

As much as I don't feel like there is any point in things sometimes, I have to ask myself what the alternative is. So I don't see the point of going to University because I don't think I will ever get a good job anyway - do I just stay at home and do nothing instead? Obviously that can't happen, so I need to carry on ignoring these thoughts and moving past them. I need to focus on exactly what it is I want to achieve in my life and exactly why I am doing the things that I am, even when I get that feeling of hopelessness crawling back in.

Perhaps I am only thinking like this more now, because things are becoming an awful lot more real. The reality that yes, I am moving out and yes, I am an adult who now needs to take responsibility for my own future, is kind of hard hitting. The whole thing just seems a little overwhelming right now and it will take time for me to adjust - but I will because I will have to, that's just part of life.

I thought about perhaps upping my dose on antidepressants in order to help with the low moods, but I'm also considering just accepting that obviously my anxiety will be heightened during this time and that is bound to effect my mood. Maybe I just need to let it pass and recognise that it is all part of the process when your whole life seems to be changing and you are unsure as to whether you can cope.

Although, I'm worried that even after moving and settling in at University, my mood still will not improve and I will continue to experience these low moods often. I don't want that to happen because then I might begin to withdraw from social situations and become very isolated, contributing even more to my low mood. I guess I'll just have to wait and see and if I feel I am struggling even after a few weeks of moving in, go and speak to a doctor about increasing my dose.

Anyway, that's about where I am in terms of my mental health right now. I hope you are well and if not, you are receiving the support that you need (and deserve).
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