A girl with too many thoughts...

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Moving Out & Living On My Own

I can't quite believe that I'm sitting here with only two weeks to go until I move into my University accommodation. TWO WEEKS!

The truth is, I am nervous beyond words about moving away from home for the first time because I honestly don't know if I'll cope. I feel as though I am completely stepping into the unknown (I am) and if there is anything that anxiety feeds off the most, it is the unknown. You see, I like to be in control, and when I do not feel that I have that (by moving away from home to live in a strange city that I don't even know my way around with a bunch of strangers) everything goes a little pear-shaped.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited as well. I absolutely love everything being organised in such a way that I'm happy with, so I cannot wait to set up my University room with my kitchen and be able to have everything just the way I like it. I have no qualms about keeping things clean and tidy, doing my washing or anything domestic like that - I love doing that kind of thing! (I know, I'm wild - why go for a night out to a nightclub with friends when I can spend my Friday evening washing my bed clothes and folding pairs of socks into neat piles?) (I'd also like to point out here that this is NOT a symptom of my OCD - I don't find it distressing, I enjoy organising).

So, yes I'm excited, but I'm also shit scared. It's funny to feel such opposite emotions simultaneously. Both the excitement and nerves kind of mix up in my tummy and create some kind of weird sick feeling, but I can't quite tell if it's a good sick feeling or a bad sick feeling, if you know what I mean. (but then, when is there ever a good sick feeling?!)

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling because I don't really know exactly how I'm feeling because I'm confused! All I know is that I'm really (like really really) scared, but also really excited. Anticipation! Perhaps that is the word I'm looking for. I am feeling anticipation.

Part of me is always wanting to chicken out. That fight-or-flight response that is ever so recognisable with anxiety is fully kicking-in now and I most of the time choose the flight, as opposed to the fight, option. Oh, how easy it would be to just run away from the whole situation right this very minute and scream 'I'm not doing it! I'm not going!' to everybody that is around to listen to me - but I'm not going to let that happen.

I know that I want to do this. More to the point, I know that I need to do this. Eventually, I must learn to face up to my fears of becoming more independent and venturing off into the big, wide world - no matter how frightening I find this. I cannot, and will not, live boxed up in my childhood bedroom for all of my adult years because of the fear of...well of just about everything.

So no matter what happens. No matter how many times I wake up in the middle of the night with that horrible sick feeling in my stomach and tight feeling in my chest, that feeling of utter, pure panic when my brain kindly reminds me at 3am of just-how-many-things-could-possibly-go-wrong-ever  - I must go through with this and deal with whatever challenges may lie ahead face on. Easy to say now, I know, but I shall aim to take each day as it comes for now and see where that gets me...

So, what about you? Tell me what massive challenges you have ahead of you and how you plan to conquer them (because you are more than capable!)
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2 comments

  1. I can relate to every single word you've said, it's so strange to think someone gets how I've been feeling this past 2 weeks but such a relief I'm not the only one. I've drove myself insane and I keep getting heart burn and feeling sick, headaches and dizziness because of my anxiety. It's not nice at all. I tell myself the same I have to do this and I want to do this because it'll be a good thing for me and I'll grow up and learn all these new valuable life skills all apart of growing up no matter how much it scares me plus I basically have to if I want to be a nurse, can't have someone looking after you who doesn't know what the hell they're doing. I wish you the best of luckk with Uni. If you ever need a chat with someone who understands then I'm right here lovely, I'll probably need someone to talk to aswell xx

    Claire ❤| My Little Memoir

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  2. Thank you so much for your comment! You are definitely not the only one, we are in exactly the same boat - it's so nice to know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do!

    Anxiety can be horrible & cause all sorts of symptoms, but it's so important to work through these symptoms & not avoid things because of it. I think it'll definitely be a good thing for us, think of all the new experiences we will gain & people we will meet. :)

    Best of luck to you also. Don't hesitate to chat to me if you ever feel like you need to. :) xx

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