A girl with too many thoughts...

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Self-doubt

Self-doubt is something I've been struggling with throughout all of my teenage years and it's only getting worse. It feeds off my confidence and self-esteem, leaving me believing I'm useless at absolutely everything. In the past week though, I've come to realise that I cannot go through my entire life doubting myself like I do. It's making it near impossible for me to progress in my life and enjoy the things that I should be enjoying.

In all honesty, I really don't know how to pull myself out of this mindset - it's like my brain's default setting. 'Oh, you're actually trying to do something useful with your life? Well you're SHIT at it'. I could achieve loads of things in my life and still feel like I'm useless at everything or 'not good enough'. I'm programmed to only ever dwell on what I can't do so well, as opposed to what I have achieved.

Rather than focusing on the fact that I got decent GCSE's and A-levels, I feel like a failure because I didn't do quite as well as this or that person or come out with all A's and A*'s or get into a Russel group University or go to bloody Oxbridge!! Instead of recognising how much I've overcome in terms of my mental health conditions, I focus only on what I can't do because of them. Absolutely nothing I do will ever be good enough for the impossible standards that I set for myself. And these aren't standards that I apply to anybody else, only myself.

I'm just really sick of feeling like this. I can't get a job because no matter what I'm doing, I'm going to feel as though I'm not good enough to carry out that job. I can't learn to drive because I'm going to feel like I'm rubbish at driving or I'm too slow to learn or it's taking me more lessons than everybody else or I'll never be at a stage where I'll actually be able to pass my driving test. I can't stay at University because I have absolutely no confidence in myself to meet new people, turn up at lectures and sit in a room full of people or approach people when I need help with work.

So, the question is, what do you do when you feel like you aren't good enough to do anything?


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2 comments

  1. I'm sorry you're dealing with this lovely - I do too, and it absolutely sucks, right? I'm 26 and have lived through everything you've mentioned - Uni, starting a career, learning to drive (ha, still working on that last one). The tricky thing is, no matter how many things you actually do well, the self doubt still trickles in. I'm now a good 5 years into my career, and I still freak myself out with 'I can't do this' all the time.
    You can learn to deal with this though. Firstly, I promise you it does get easier with age - so don't lose hope. However, more pressingly, you should absolutely look into CBT. University is a great time to do it, as you'll be able to make a daytime appointment. CBT will teach you to analyse these feelings of self-doubt and where they're coming from - you'll learn about 'black and white' thinking (which is when you only see two possibilities: success and failure) and catastrophic thinking (when you immediately think the worst is going to happen), and you'll start training your brain not to do those things. I'd really recommend asking your Uni doctors about it (if you haven't already) - I think it will really help. There are also tons of websites and a few iPhone apps that can teach you the basics.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. Yep, self-doubt really is crappy. I've had CBT recently, which lasted for around a year, but that was for my OCD so the self-doubt issues didn't really come into it much. I definitely think I need to look into more CBT to tackle the self-doubt/self-esteem issues though. I'm actually thinking of perhaps deferring uni for a year & getting some help with all of this in the meantime, so that when I do return I will hopefully have more confidence in myself. But if I do stay at Uni, I'm seeing a member of the wellbeing team once a week, so I should be able to work on it with her. Thank you for your suggestions & I'm really sorry you have to put up with this too, but the fact that you've still managed to get 5 years into your career and so on just proves how capable you are. :)

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