A girl with too many thoughts...

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Not Identifying With People Your Age

Yesterday I went to the cinema with two of my University friends, and although it was really nice and I had a great time, I realised something. I realised that I'm not like other people my age. A similar sense of humour, shared interests and similar personality traits; these are all things that help us identify with other people our age and feel connected to our peers - something that I struggle to do.

The thing is, I feel like I'm so wrapped up in my own mind and thoughts, I can't even work out what's me and what's my disorders anymore. So, is it just that the real me isn't similar to people my age, or is it that my mental health conditions are stopping me from doing the things that people my own age do? Perhaps if I didn't have these 'issues', then I would in fact enjoy the same things as them. Or maybe, even if I wasn't caught up in irrational fears and thoughts, I would still struggle to find similar interests with others my age. Who knows?

This may not make much sense, so I'm going to try and explain it in context. When I'm in a group of people my age and they all laugh at something, I often don't find it funny. I find myself feeling bored when 'hanging out' in a group of people, like I'd be much happier just going home. When they are talking about how much they love this TV show or that movie, I couldn't really care less. When they speak about how they 'wanna go for a night out' or they 'can't wait to get behind the wheel' and start driving, it's usually the last thing I want to be doing.

To be honest, that just makes me sound like a really arrogant person who only cares about themselves (and maybe I am?). That's the thing, I don't know if I am or not. I don't know if it's just my personality that makes me a boring and self-centred individual, or whether it's the disorders talking.

Maybe if it wasn't for the anxiety, I would want to learn to drive and go on nights out with all of my friends. Or maybe if I didn't feel so down a lot of the time, then I would find things funny and care about TV shows. Perhaps if I wasn't so tired and lacking in energy, then I would be more outgoing and 'up for things' like everybody else my age. Or maybe, even if these problems didn't exist, I would still find all of these things boring and unappealing - I really don't know.

I want to find things fun and I want to enjoy the things that my friend enjoy, I really do. But I just don't know how to or why I don't in the first place.

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