A girl with too many thoughts...

Sunday, 6 November 2016

People Only Like You When You're 'Normal'

I'm beginning to realise that people only tend to like you when your mental health conditions aren't affecting you so badly, when everyone can just pretend that you're 'normal'. It's like they want to be around you when you aren't mental but as soon as you show any sign of actually suffering from your condition they're outta here!

Maybe this is exactly why people are so scared of admitting to those around them that they suffer from a mental illness, because they are terrified that as soon as people find out that they aren't quite 'right in the head', they will abandon them.

People always say crap like 'I understand' or 'I would never judge you' because it's easy to say when things are going okay. They're totally understanding of mental health conditions when they read it in a book or see it in a movie, but as soon as it's real life it's a different story altogether because believe it or not, mental health conditions aren't tragically beautiful like they are often portrayed. In reality, they are shit and they destroy all of your relationships as well as anything that's going well in your life.

The minute things get difficult people can't deal with it so instead, they just ignore you until you've sorted yourself out. Stuff you if you want help from them, they don't want to deal with you right now so you're on your own mate. Oh, but of course as soon as they're struggling with something they run straight to you asking for advice or just so that they have somebody to rant to.

I'm very aware that I sound like a bitter, horrible person right now but at the moment, I really do feel like a bitter, horrible person and I'm simply typing what is going through my head. I don't even know where the old me is anymore but she sure as hell ain't around here anywhere! I don't even recognise myself at the moment.

Lately, I only ever feel angry and irritable, constantly feeling annoyed at people. Everyone seems to be upsetting me too and it has led me to feel very isolated and as though everybody is turning against me. As I said at the start of this post, it's like they just don't want to be around me right now because my mental health conditions are worse than usual and they don't want to deal with me when I'm like this.

Another thing that is frustrating me is that I feel like everyone is accusing me of things. For example, I enjoy one or two drinks and suddenly (according to everybody in my life) I'm becoming reliant on alcohol to make me happy? I can't even have a good time like a normal nineteen year old because somehow I'm doing that in the wrong way too.

It's like I can't do anything right and every move I make is constantly criticised by people around me. I'm exhausted from it and it's led me to just say 'f*ck everything and everyone, I'll do whatever the hell I like from now on because everything I do is wrong anyway!!!!!!!'

Even walking down the street I get annoyed because I feel like people stare at me. It makes me want to shout 'WHAT, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!' because I can't deal with the constant judgement anymore, it's driving me crazy. It's like have I got something on my face?! Has my mascara run?! Honestly, JUST TELL ME INSTEAD OF STARING AT ME. (Okay, so the rational part of me knows people probably aren't staring at me so feel free to tell me it's all in my head, everybody else does).

I just feel like I'm losing it! I honestly don't know what to do with myself half the time because I feel so agitated. All of this frustration is bubbling up inside of me and any minute I could explode!!!!! I don't want to be constantly judged anymore. I don't want to be accused of doing things wrong all of the time. I don't want to worry about things constantly. I don't want to feel so self-conscious. I JUST WANT LIFE TO GIVE ME A BREAK FROM ALL THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS.
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1 comment

  1. Spot on correct. Hence why I've more or less become a misanthropic hermit. :)

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