A girl with too many thoughts...

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Food Is Stressful

TW: Eating disorders

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now because my thoughts are so conflicted when it comes to eating and gaining weight - I don't quite know who to believe anymore. Hopefully writing them all out in a blog post will help me to make sense of them. I thought being at home would make managing my eating disorder easier (it usually does) because I'm no longer surrounded by other people my age commenting on their body/weight/food and there are less people to compare myself to. However, since getting home last week, I feel as though I'm struggling more than ever.

When I'm at university I find it so difficult to control my eating disorder thoughts because it's impossible to escape comparison. When my friends start talking about how much they've eaten (or how little) I find it quite frustrating because I then compare how much I've eaten with how much they have, and feel guilty if I've eaten more than them. When I walk around campus and see girls with thinner thighs than me I get so envious of them.  I think to myself how unfair it is that they are naturally like that and I'm not. Then I have to remind myself that maybe they aren't naturally like that, and that perhaps they have just as much of an issue with eating and weight as I do.

That's one reason why I was so desperate to come home for Christmas. I needed a break from all of that to focus on my own weight, my own health and get myself back into more 'normal' eating habits. However, I should have known it was never going to be that easy and that the thoughts wouldn't just disappear as soon as I got home. I guess because there are so many factors that go into an eating disorder (as I mentioned in my previous post), eliminating one thing was never going to cure the problem completely. 

I'm constantly torn at the moment. One side of me wants to feel and look healthy again. I want enough energy to do things and I don't want to feel weak and tired anymore. The problem is I can only achieve that by gaining weight and that's where the other side of me comes in, because I also want to be thinner and lose weight. I spend hours watching eating disorder documentaries just so I can compare myself to other sufferers: do I look as thin as them? Do I eat as little as them? Do I even look like I have an eating disorder compared to them? I'm tired of it. It's not only about being thin, though, I also can't deal with the disgust/shame/guilt that comes with feeling full.

My mind changes so much and I feel I have no control over it. One minute I think I'm too thin, I don't look nice, I need to gain weight. The next, I'm not thin enough, I don't look nice, I need to lose weight. I'm weak for letting my eating disorder control me but I'm weak when I 'give in' to food and eat 'normally'. I'm stupid for making myself unhealthily thin but at the same time I haven't made myself thin enough. I can't win.
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2 comments

  1. You're not weak at all, you're so strong to be battling something like this every day. You should give yourself more credit and selfcare. I hope you start to feel better ��

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