A girl with too many thoughts...

Thursday, 19 January 2017

I Wish I Could Let Go

TW: Eating Disorders

I wish I could let go of my control over food. I wish I could snap out of my eating disorder and make it disappear with the click of a finger. But I can't. I keep holding onto it and I'm not even sure why, all it ever does is bring me sadness. Then again, that's not all it brings me, is it? Otherwise I wouldn't listen to its lies. I wouldn't fall time and time again for the false sense of security it provides me with.

I think back to why I started losing weight in the first place. I was in sixth form, everybody around me was achieving things that I never thought I'd be capable of - writing a personal statement, applying to university, achieving good grades. I felt worthless in comparison. I started on medication which initially made me lose weight and that's when I realised...this is something I can excel at. 

I felt envious of everybody else all of the time, and it was time they were envious of me for something. People would say to me at lunchtime when I would repeatedly refuse biscuits, chocolate, cake, 'I wish I had your will power'. I thought to myself, they could only ever wish they were as skinny as me and that they had my level of self-control. Finally, I had something about me that others could only dream of.

It spiralled from there really, almost like an addiction. I was addicted to the sense of euphoria restriction gave me. I was addicted to seeing the number on the scale drop and drop and drop. Comments about my weight loss or lack of food intake would only fuel my addiction. I thrived off of people's concern.

I realise how twisted that sounds, but eating disorders are just that: twisted. They are manipulative, deceiving, irrational. How else do you think they manage to completely take over a person's mind? They creep up on you when you are vulnerable with the offer of comfort, a solution to your problems.

What starts off with just one thought quickly multiplies until your entire life is ruled by a chaos of disordered thoughts...

It started off with viewing weight loss as an achievement. I then reasoned that if not eating was good, then eating was surely bad? That's when the feelings of guilt/disgust made an appearance. I felt weak for giving in to food, like I was doing something very wrong by simply giving my body the energy it so desperately needs. I'd made so much progress with weight loss and eating 'healthily' (I put that in quotation marks because my idea of healthy is definitely not healthy). I couldn't bear to ruin my achievements by gaining the weight back/eating 'normally' again.

As I look back, I can understand why I was so easily fooled into thinking weight loss was in fact a good thing to do. But what I can't explain is why I still hold onto it now? It's been a year and a half since then. I DID write a personal statement. I DID apply to university. Not only that, but I've done a few more things I'm rather proud of in the past year (starting my blog, for one). And yet, nothing comes close to the sense of achievement I gain from restricting...and I fear nothing else ever will. 

I now recognise that every thought I have about food is wrong. Yet, no matter how much I want to, I can't change them. I still listen to them. I still believe them (however briefly). I still hold onto the idea that being underweight makes me good. I want to view food normally again. I want to eat what I fancy and not feel like I deserve to be punished for it. 

More than anything though, I want to let go...but I just can't.

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