A girl with too many thoughts...

Sunday, 5 March 2017

Life Update: Relapse

TW: Eating disorders

These last few weeks at university have been tough for me (as you may be able to tell from my more recent posts, such as this one and this one). My mood has been low, my anxiety has been through the roof and I've been helplessly losing the battle against my eating disorder. I'm not afraid to admit that I've been struggling a little more than usual lately but to be quite honest, I'm at a loss with what to do next.

I desperately needed to get away and so I arranged to go home for half a week. Only once I was home did I realise how bad I'd actually let things slip. My weight has only been this low once before: when I was at my most unwell with anorexia. I failed to realise that things had become so severe once again because, at university, there is no way of consistently keeping track of my physical health.

It's not like before when I was constantly monitored by CAMHS and the GP - when I'm away it's simply a case of trying to manage things by myself whilst I wait for adult mental health services to finally get around to seeing me. For a while, I was half-functioning and doing just about enough to get by, but more recently things have become too much for me to handle alone.

Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to be returning to uni and I'm dreading it. When I'm alone at night and I start to get chest pains, it scares me. I live in constant fear that my body is giving up on me and I won't have anybody around to help me. Of course, it may just be anxiety causing me these symptoms but either way, it's a horrible thing to go through alone.

I'm lucky enough when I'm at home to have my Mum supporting me as much as she possibly can and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to cope without this now. However, the adult eating disorder service back at uni have decided they can see me and this week I'm supposed to be having two appointments with them - one with a dietician whose input I could really do with.

So that leaves me in a dilemma. Do I stay at home and put my health first, bearing in mind that appointments can be rearranged? Or do I force myself to go back, even though I'm physically rather unwell?

If the decision was mine, I would spend more time at home trying to rest and rebuild my strength somewhat, as risking my physical health seems more detrimental right now than rearranging a few appointments. However, I also have my parent's input to consider, who are quite adamant that I should go back even if it's just to attend the appointments.

I could really use some advice from an objective viewpoint, so if you have any thoughts or solutions that I haven't yet thought of, don't be afraid to talk to me (please, I beg you!).

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