A girl with too many thoughts...

Saturday, 29 April 2017

I Can't Control My Emotions

My brain is constantly on some sort of hellish rollercoaster ride of emotions which I feel I have no control over. Up, down, up down, up down - all day long. It's absolutely exhausting and I don't know what to do about it anymore. My mood can literally change at the flick of a switch: going from extremely happy and optimistic to hopeless, angry and agitated within seconds.

I'm finding it impossible to function like this. How am I supposed to plan ahead, schedule my week or take on responsibilities? I can't even predict how I'm going to be feeling from one moment to the next, let alone this time next week or in a month.

Not only are they fast-changing, but I also seem to feel my emotions so strongly. What mood I'm in will dictate every aspect of my life: my personality, my confidence, what opportunities I accept, how I treat people, how I treat myself. Everything. Catch me in a different mood and I will probably present a drastically different version of myself.

I know this can sometimes be true for everyone. We often say 'they were probably just having a bad day' or 'I must have caught them in a bad mood' when people appear a little off. But I feel like for me, the difference is not only extreme but constant.

I don't control my emotions, they control me.

I've tried to do things that might help. I started a bullet journal, tracking my mood every month to see if I could identify a theme in my mood, but no trends are apparent. Apart from, I seem to feel a lot of negative emotions during the evening/night time - something which I think resonates with many people suffering from mental illness.

When I can feel my mood taking a turn for the worst, I try to use distractions: listening to music, immersing myself in a hobby, reading, colouring, studying. And yet, my brain won't let me focus on anything if my head isn't in a good place. The only thing that sometimes works is sleeping and hoping that by time I wake up, the dark clouds would've passed.

Perhaps this is simply a symptom of my various mental illnesses that I will have to learn to accept and find ways to manage. Maybe it is due to the bouts of restricting and weight fluctuations that I have put my body through in recent years, affecting my mind in mysterious ways. Or could it be a symptom of depression (something which I'm certainly no stranger to) or a mixture of it all! Who knows...

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